love

Whoever You May Be

I had just finished season 3 of Stranger Things last night. Cue The Who’s “Baba O’Riley”, and you’ve got me wishing I was living as a teenager in the 80s.

I’m still a romantic. I think I’ve always been. I used settle for text messages and the occasional meme drop through the DMs. But no, that’s not what I truly want.

I crave for phone calls that would go for hours on end. Check up on me and ask me how was your day. Spark my mind with innovative questions such as, “If you were to create a cereal that isn’t on the shelves, what would it be like?” Make me laugh with puns and dad jokes.

Let’s go for long walks on the beach, as cheesy as it is. However, let’s walk through these sandy shores during these summer nights. Without the bustling people around us. Just you and me.

Show up to my door and let’s go on a night drive. Turn up the speakers in the car, and let’s put these songs on shuffle. Can you guess the song that’s playing, mister?

I want to wake up next to you and get breakfast at a local diner, messed up hair and all. You’ll get pancakes and I’ll get waffles. We’ll split our stacks and trade so we can get the best of both worlds.

Sometimes life would get in the way, and you’d have to work late. We were supposed to go on a date. You call me to say you’re sorry and that you’d make it up to me by asking me to come over the next day to cook me some baked salmon.

I’m on my fourth set, and you’re spotting me. I doubt that I can hit the last two reps. As I struggle, you continue to cheer me on. I nail my set, and you tell me that you barely even touched the barbell.

You’ve got a midterm you’re studying for. I visit you for a few minutes to drop off a boba and wish you good luck in a little note to help you focus.

Take my hand and let’s dance under the moonlight. We could get a pair of AirPods, however silly those things are. You take the left bud and I’ll take the right. We’ll dance to our favorite slow RnB and acoustic jams all night.

Teach me a song you just came up with. Sing and play guitar as I harmonize with that voice of yours. Freestyle a verse or two and we’ll laugh at some of the ridiculous lyrics we come up with.

You’ve fallen asleep, so I kiss you goodnight. Tuck a pillow under your head so your neck wouldn’t stiffen up the next morning. I see that sweet smile on your face before I turn off the lights.

Some of these moments, if not most of them, have happened in my life. And in one way or another, they just stopped. And I wish they wouldn’t have. Perhaps he lost interest or wasn’t that into me. He finds a flaw, backs away, and picks up another option in the sea of fish that is online dating.

I want to spoil the heck out of you. Be your ride or die.

Whoever you may be. I wish you’d take a chance and have me.

I’m tired of this dating game bullshit.

We sift through these individuals one date at a time, hoping to find someone we’re meant to be with. But honestly, if we don’t take the other person seriously, or even invest deeper than just these casual interactions, what makes us think they’d do the same for us?

At the end of the day, I just want to love and be loved.

Acceptance

Another year has passed, and I’m standing on familiar ground. It’s the chill of autumn that I fear the most. It’s the bits and pieces of the season that hint of a storm about to ensue. I’m scared. That’s always been holding me back. I used to be able to take risks and see what happens. When I used to take those risks, I managed to discover new things and enjoy those experiences. However, the bitter scent of this season scarred me deeply. And so, here I am cautiously treading the ground I walk upon. I’m careful in taking each step. I’m trying to hide my feelings up sleeve. I’m trying to mend my broken heart.

Mentally unstable? I figured I’ve landed in that position months ago. Here I am, just recuperating. And yet, I feel that when I take one step forward, I end up taking three steps back. I’m trying to find the courage to move forward. I’m trying to stop myself from self destructing. I’m trying to heal without hurting you.

Two years ago, I wouldn’t have thought that I’d be in this position. The old me would’ve hated what I’ve become. In fact, she probably would have done something in the past to stop myself from becoming this way. But what did I know back then? I was sheltered and oblivious to what was happening around me. I had such a narrow mindset. Surely, I had my beliefs, and those contradicted mostly how others thought. I heard what they said, but I never truly understood what they meant.

In the back of my mind, I’m probably bothered by something. That I’m not exactly sure. It’s no wonder I’ve always been tired even after eight hours of sleep. I haven’t been sleeping properly for the longest time. I miss feeling at peace.

Acceptance. That’s what I need.

There are questions I want to ask and realities that I need to face.

Maybe it’s possible for people to care about me.

Maybe it’s possible that people won’t always leave.

Maybe…

Last Saturday night, I got hurt again by something stupid. Just like I used to, I breathed it in and told myself that it’s nothing. “Nothing”. I try my hardest to breathe in the sadness and tears welling up in my eyes. I always tend to convince myself that it doesn’t matter. That the little things that bother me don’t matter. Either I toss it to the side or shrug it off. Eventually, I end up believing myself that it didn’t matter. Those feelings usually end up in a pile. And if I don’t vent, well, you know where there end up eventually.

And then, there he was… Trying to hold my hand as lifeless as it was. I couldn’t look at him straight in the eye. I can faintly recall what I murmured in my delirious state of mind.

“Why should it even matter?”

Then he said those words. They were hesitant, but he said them. When I heard them, it almost sounded like it was amplified in the space between us. They were words I didn’t expect to hear. These were words strung in a way he’s never said before.

“Because I care about you.”

There was a tinge of that four letter word I felt in his voice. His glasses were fogged up, and tears streaming down his face. I didn’t know what I was doing.

“Why are you crying…?”
“Because you’re not going to do anything even if I care about you…”

He doesn’t usually show how he feels. But when he does, I seem to see it now. To know when it’s sincere. Genuine. Real.

What was I doing? I was hurting the one I love. I never really know what I’m doing. I always do stupid things. I want to stop hurting him… Somehow, I should stop hurting myself.

It hurts me to think that he thinks why I’m always sad and crying is because of him. He’s said that… That’s not true. But it seems like it, huh? ‘Cause I’m always crying in front of him. Every time I’m vulnerable, I breakdown in front of him. Actions… They do speak louder than words.

There’s so much sorrow in my life right now that even the greatest things that make me happy get clouded by my doubts. I don’t need to convince myself that he’s made me happy. As self destructive as I am, I can see it and feel it… There’s a part of me wanting to reject those moments, telling me that I didn’t deserve them. You know what, maybe I didn’t. As wrecked and confused I was, I can still picture him wanting to hold my hand. I was going to get my bag and leave the apartment not knowing what I was annoyed or mad about. And yet, he held my hand, wrapped me with his jacket, and told me to “be warm”.

As undeserving I was of those gestures during those moments, he still was there. Now that I look back on them… How could he have made me sad? How could he have caused me my pain? If anything, he’s been there to pick me up again.

Thank you.

The Crossroads

“Do you get this?”

That was the very first thing you said to me. It’s been a little over two years since I’ve met you, and here we are now at a crossroads. To this day, I am still surprised and yet thankful for having you in my life.

Despite our petty misunderstandings, I’ve managed to see how wonderful of a person you truly are. You’re not perfect, and neither am I. We both stepped into this relationship like it was untouched territory. I’ve never been in a relationship, and you’ve probably never been in something this serious. I’ve tried not to set my hopes too high so that I wouldn’t get hurt again. I’ve attempted to fix my heart at a certain distance so I could handle any difficulties that would come my way.

It’s funny. Maybe it sounds a little bit masochistic, but I got used to getting hurt or being rejected. I thought that even if I felt so strongly about you, you we’re bound to walk away at some point. After all, I’ve been on the losing end this whole time, haven’t I? One way or another, I knew I was going to get hurt. It’s a lot easier for me to deal with the pain that seemed to be inevitable. I thought I put up a good enough buffer around my heart so I wouldn’t be as vulnerable as I used to be.

But things changed. You changed. Or at least it seemed like you did.

I liked you for your mind. How everything seemed so practical and realistic. I admired how spontaneous and geeky you were and still are. Your subtle courteous and adventurous ways. Even though you weren’t open, very lazy and didn’t take initiative, I managed to accept that. I expected you to remain the same.

And here I am seeing a different side of you. You’ve called me up randomly. You’ve greeted me with good morning texts. You’ve allowed me to visit you in LA where I got to meet your roommates. Slowly, you’ve let me be a part of your life.

That one Tuesday night, I honestly thought you were going to walk away from me. I was mad. Furious. I unleashed a side of me that hadn’t come out for years. Even though you indirectly hurt me, I knew I couldn’t stay mad at you. I wouldn’t have blamed you if you walked away. But you didn’t. I still find it hard to comprehend that you stayed. That even if you’ve seen me at my worst, you’ve stuck by my side.

Here we are. Summer has reached its end. We’ve spent most of its days together–especially these past two weeks. That weekend with you in LA to watch the Final Fantasy concert. The next two nights, you took me to see the city lights because you knew how much I liked it. We laughed and we danced in the moonlight–awkwardly. Haha. Lastly, you did something I never would have expected you to do.

You: When are you leaving for Irvine?
Me: Thursday…… Come with me.
You: What?
Me: Come with me to Irvine.
You: Okay.

I ended up leaving for Irvine Friday instead. Even though my plans changed, you still drove down to spend these last two days with me before our classes would begin. And it was wonderful.

We’re both about to start a new chapter in our lives. If anything happens between us, we pinky promised. Yes, we did. We will still see those Christmas lights this coming December.

I walked you out of my door this afternoon. One last hug. One last time before I could see your face in person again. It’ll be weeks. Probably even months. Even so, I’m glad I’m with you. I’m happy and very grateful for everything I’ve experienced being with you.

I love you and I will see you someday soon, Yuki.

Natsukage

The best part of my night was just having him lay his head on my lap with his eyes closed. As I ran my fingers through his hair, I could see him resting peacefully in my arms. At that moment, I still couldn’t believe it. That he was here with me. That he was smiling back at me. That he was mine.

We’ve made it this far, and I know it’s only going to get tougher. Five months, huh? I think that’s pretty crazy considering our circumstances. There’s college and then there’s distance. As cheesy as it may sound, a Tumblr quote defines my position quite well.

Distance is just a space in between. It’s only as far apart as our hearts will ever be.

It’s funny. You’d think I’d be bored with him by now. Surprisingly, no. I’ve gotten used to the fact that Yuki is just Yuki. He can be lazy, but he knows where his priorities are. He’s smart but has his derpy moments. He can be philosophical, deep and very realistic. If not, he can troll you and cut you off instantly with a “cool story bro” or a “k bye”. And yes, oddly, I’ve liked him more. He’s become more spontaneous and nicer. What the french bread?! Seriously. It’s not a bad thing. It’s definitely not. I just didn’t expect him to turn out this way. I didn’t think I’d see this side of him. And I’m more than glad. I’m very blessed to have him in my life.

Summer, I didn’t expect you to be like this. I thought you’d tear us apart. But no. You’ve drawn me closer to him. This season has made me stronger and allowed me to accept change. Even though things are rough, I won’t forget what brought me here in the first place.

I can still hear him through this summer breeze.

Slightly Giddy

Allow me to feel a little giddy for once, alright? I’ve been attempting to man up my feelings in regards to my relationship. Why? It’s risky. Unbelievably risky to let my guard down. I don’t know when I’m going to have myself be that vulnerable again. Like way back when. If there’s one thing I learned these past four or so months, it’s to be more independent. That I don’t necessarily need a man in my life to be happy. That’s right. I don’t need him.

But I want him. Ugh, it almost makes me cringe when I think about how weak at the knees I can get. Weak. Weak. Gross.

I have my fears and insecurities. I’ve conditioned myself in many ways, hoping that my heart wouldn’t dare come close to how badly it got broken before. In fact, sometimes I feel like I’ve hit this point where I’m just floating by. Surely, I’ve been struggling with the distance between us lately. However, this whole transition starting to feel a little more comfortable. Almost to the point that texting him everyday feels normal. That has both its good and bad sides, doesn’t it?

But hey, I know for sure that the thrill doesn’t last forever. That whole thing is just an illusion. Will I end what I have because the spark is rarely there? Not even. Lol. Some girls are dumb to do that. Just saying.

I don’t know. Lately, I haven’t been making that much sense. All I know is I’m content with where I’m at with him. That I do care about him a lot. And yes, he still manages to surprise me.

I hadn’t gone out all day. My agenda consisted of eating and sleeping. Slip the computer and reading in between that and you’ve got yourself a sloth-like day. This day was about to end. 10pm was nearing, and I was on a usual Tumblr spree. It’s a Monday night. Yuki had aikido and a night out with his friends on the list. I knew full well what he was up to tonight. Although what I didn’t expect was a phone call.

My phone rang. His name lit up on the screen. He was calling me. Yuki was calling me! What the? Out of the ordinary! I picked up with surprise and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey? What’s up?
Yuki: Nothing much.
Me: I thought you were gonna hang out with your friends.
Yuki: Yeah, I’m just waiting for them. They’re gonna kidnap me. I just wanted to call you.

The call didn’t last long since his friends arrived two minutes later to pick him up kidnap him. 😛 So what if the conversation was short lived? It was the best two minutes of my day. (:

Yeah, yeah, I’m a sap. Ugh, get over it.

Transition

After two or three drafts left unfinished, I think I can finally write a complete post. It’s 2AM and I’m still awake. My thoughts are finally brewing. I’ve been a complete wreck when it came to writing, but hopefully this summer, everything will change. I’ll have that time to find myself again. To build bridges and grow as a person.

School’s finally over. Community College is actually over. To me, it still feels surreal. The three years that I spent in that place which I thought was horrible and dull for the first year and a half didn’t turn out that bad. I vaguely remember the orientation I attended where the speaker said, “You’ll meet people who’ll become you’re friends for life.” And I’m thinking, “You’ve got to be kidding, right?” I was downright miserable and alone. I didn’t see that happening. But it changed. Everything surely did change.

My friends from the class of 2009 graduated and some of them joined me. Later in the game, the unexpected happened. Friends? Who would’ve thought? I surely didn’t.

I began going to MESA thanks to a certain silly japanese guy. That place became my second home. Or my third? Somewhere along those lines. My last year in Elco, I happened to grow close to people that were both intellectual and amazing. Not only was I able to relate with these guys on a nerdy level, but I could hang out and laugh with them as well. I’m blessed to have met guys like Vito, Mario, James, Chris and Yuki. Yep, all guys. What can I say? That’s how it goes when you’re majoring in the sciences.

Kool Kidz Klub

Sigh. I’m glad and grateful that I’m finally out. I honestly couldn’t have survived my last year without these guys. Being surrounded by these fellas motivated me to try even harder and made me believe that I can succeed. I didn’t think I could get a B in both Physics 1B and 1C–especially 1C–but I did. I didn’t think I’d end up liking Physics, but I did. Thank you. I  miss our Physics Study Seshs and Meatball Sundays. Yeah, Sunday nights are definitely gonna be different from now on.

And then, there’s you. There’s you, Yuki. I feel like I’m going through the first week when we started going out. I’m still getting used to it. I remember how insecure I was for the first two weeks or so. One, I still couldn’t believe that you asked me out. And two, I thought everything was gonna go downhill because I was so conscious about how you thought. I didn’t expect you to change. I hoped that you’d change your mind, but I wasn’t keeping my hopes up. But somehow, you did.

Why? Why couldn’t you just come out and say it? Why did you have to let me make the decision? I was sitting there, waiting for you to break my heart. Spring was over. We were going to be over. I thought you were going to do so. But no. You… changed.

I know that you don’t feel the same way I do. Heck, I know I care more about you than you care about me. But there’s something about you, really. Not just your physique, but your personality. You helped straighten me out when I’m rattled. Poke fun at me and still occasionally call me a loser. ]: But when it counts the most, yeah? You’re there.

Why didn’t you leave, Yuki? I was keeping you from doing something you had to do. When I was devastated about my Physics exam, you were there to hug me. You told me not to worry. Sigh, when it counts the most, huh?

I’m getting used to it. It’s hard right now. It’s probably a phase. I’ll look at it as that. Here’s to the transition! I miss you, mister. I’ll see you soon, Bruin.

The Other View

Who would’ve thought that Chris Johnson could have given me insight to my own life? Yes, I refer to him by his full name. I don’t know. Perhaps it just sounds cooler that way.

I walked into MESA this morning and still had about half an hour to kill before my voice class. Chris was at the back struggling with Physics 1C. I, on the other hand, attempted the 7B homework that’s due later tonight. It wasn’t going so well. I barely got anywhere when I was there. Physics aside, though, I always find myself having strange yet interesting conversations with this dude. Honestly, who would’ve thought? ‘Cause Chris mostly has his unenthused expression on his face. Lol.

So Chris brings up a question in his very chill tone. “How are you and the Yuke-ster doing? Yuke-ster. Hmm, I just made that off the top of my head.” Insert headdesk here? Anyway, when he brought that up, the conversation took an interesting turn on long distance relationships and ambitions. Looking at a Chris’ perspective, I honestly hoped that Yuki thinks the same way as he does.

Let me stretch this out for a second. Spring is ending and we’re all going to part ways. Seems like Chris and his girl are on the same page as Yuki and me. What do we do when school is over? I’m surprised to find out that Chris is willing to make an effort to still keep seeing his girl after he transfers. But it’s the girl that wants to break it off eventually thinking that it’s going to be too painful if he’s away.

Where does that leave Yuki and me? I know where I stand. At this moment, I only wish that Yuki has Chris’ perspective. Haha. Both of them have such chill and laid back personalities. I wonder, really. Eventually.

White Christmas

A blanket of white covers the wonderful city of Los Angeles. So maybe I didn’t get that white Christmas; the exceptional chill makes up for that. I look around me and Christmas hasn’t been the same ever since I’ve moved to SoCal. None of them Noche Buenas or opening presents at midnight. It certainly isn’t the same. It’s almost been three years since I’ve lived here. And I’ve got to say that despite the difficulties and the difference in celebration, the true meaning of Christmas still stands.

They say Thanksgiving was the biggest holiday around here. I can’t say that for myself since we didn’t have Thanksgiving back in the Philippines. I still find that Christmas is the most meaningful to me. Digging deeper to its definition, it means more to me than just the birth of Christ.

I’m so thankful that God has brought me this far in life. For so long, I’ve struggled to be perfect in all aspects. Without knowing, I turned away from Him just to push myself forward. How wrong was I? It was true when they said you wouldn’t have realized how far you’ve drifted until all you can see is water around you. Surely, I’m still afloat. Then again, how long can I keep floating? It’s time to return to shore.

Asian Picture FAIL

2009’s coming to a close and I can look back to see its many ups and downs. Some of which I’d love to block out of my mind, but you can’t have a high without a low. Falling in and falling out of love for the first time. Making friendships that I know are bound to last for a lifetime. The news of a very close friend giving birth. So much has happened in one year. Unbelievable how another one is about to start.

That One Friday

All I can do now is look back and wish for the best. I try hard to be optimistic. It’s a lot easier to be positive for someone else. When it comes to me, pessimism bites me in the butt. Time to change that. There’s a lot more moments that I look forward to. There’s no doubt that I’m scared or terrified. There’s no doubt that it’s easier said than done. It’s about time I really get a move on and do something about it, you know? Despite all the previous hardships and heartaches, I believe I can pass this year off as a stronger person. More memories to look forward to, I can surely say that.

I’ve been blogging on the same blog since I was 11 years old. Maybe it’s time for a change, but never will I forget the utter annoyances I had to endure as an early teen or the endless ramblings of school everyday. Hah, I’m pretty sure that might not be any different as to what I’ll be writing here. Anyway, time to start fresh, right? This has been my white Christmas. In all its purity, the memories and love I’ve received makes it up.

Well, would you look at that? The sun’s finally shining through the blank winter sky. It must be a sign. (: