Life

Move Along

It’s been a busy semester so far. Can’t you tell? I haven’t been updating at all. At times I just feel lazy. Most of the time I just want to sleep. Or maybe, just grab a scoop of that delicious green tea ice cream in the freezer. I’m telling you; the Japanese have some pretty peculiar flavors that would just make you crave for more.

It’s almost two in the morning and I’m spending my time blogging. It’s about time I did so again. It’s been more than a month. I can’t seem to spew words out of my mouth. I can’t seem to vent or write anymore. A lot has been happening lately. It’s either I choose to block them out of my mind or bottle them up. But that hasn’t been going so well for me lately. There’s only so much shrugging-off-the-shoulder that I can do.

There’s a friendship on the line. Also, my love life has been baffling. All I can do is keep my head high.

It’s so rare to have time alone for myself. Just like now. And so I spend it thinking about this and that. Watching time slowly pass. Thinking about life. Now I’m just watching my good friend’s videos of her son. Uber cute!

I do wonder how my life’s going to turn out to be in the next decade. I can’t believe it. I’m almost 20. It’s terrifying! More freedoms, I guess. But I’m so near those crossroads. What am I to do? I wonder if I’ll ever find that one. You know. The one. Haha. I’ll shut up now. I think it’s the time of day that’s causing me to think this way.

Until then, I’ll just keep waiting.

Split Second

Just when you think everything’s going to be alright. You’re wrong. Because you can never expect it.

It’s funny that I was reminded tonight how God is going to rapture us at any time. Unexpected? Yes. For the past few days, I’ve been seeing all these signs scatter across the world. The frequency of earthquakes have been increasing. Aren’t these the sign of birth pains the Word was talking about?

Anyway, after tonight’s midweek service, Christine and I were off to help set up for the One God event tomorrow. Typical, of course. Just another normal evening. Two friends conversing while working. She was going to drop me and my sister home after we helped out.

And then, the unexpected.

Right when we were dropped off. Literally. The moment we stepped out of the car. It happened.

Christine was backing out and finally got into the driving lane. Then, BAM. This other car comes out of nowhere and drives into Christine’s front side. Her car, that is. It happened so fast, I didn’t see it coming. We all didn’t see it coming. I was right next to Christine’s car when it happened. The other car must’ve been going on 40 that it shot Christine’s car into the other parking slot. Both cars were damaged.

The other girl was freaking out and so was Christine. This was the first time I’ve ever called 911. It was beyond surreal. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

It was 9:45PM.

Less than five minutes later, the police drops in and files a report. I couldn’t be more terrified for Christine. I prayed with her to calm her down. She was shocked and scared. Her parents weren’t around yet.

Around half an hour later, the report was filed. Two other cars were involved. The parked ones, that is. Not much damage there, but still.

I look back at this and it’s still overwhelming. Surely, the charges that were pressed were bad. Insurance matters and all that jazz. But to think how much worse it could have been if me and my sister were in the car? Christine’s still 17. I can only imagine how much worse she could’ve gotten out of it driving me and my sister. Or what I could have been blamed for since I’m the licensed driver of 19 years of age. I could’ve been pressed charges for.

I was just there. I just stepped out of the car before it happened. I was this close to dealing with something so much worse.

This is more than an awakening. Insanity aside, God is just too amazing. His mercy is incomprehensible. He saved us from that split second change of fate. I can’t even try to understand it right now.

Three words. God is great.

Too Quiet

Honestly, my mind is blank. It hasn’t been that way in a while. It’s quiet. Too quiet. I kinda like it. Despite the fact that I have an English written final on Tuesday, everything’s pretty bland.

I miss this feeling. The feeling when I could think freely for myself. When I could just escape by playing a game or just jam on the guitar. I don’t have time for any of those anymore! It’s silly to think about it. When we were younger, we thought that getting older would garner us that freedom. And now that we’re here, surely we have the freedom to do whatever we want. Or something close to whatever we want. But now, we have to decide for ourselves which choice to make! Which we’ll be responsible for!

Rachel called me tonight and asked if I could lead worship with her at Ventura next Friday. Supposedly, I was going to perform at Alden’s acoustic gig again then. Afterwards, I was planning to head to The Bridge. Perhaps I’ll have to change my plans. I’ll need to choose what’s right. Oh, responsibility.

I’ll most likely choose going to Ventura.

I tried making milk tea boba earlier. Without the boba, though. FAIL. It didn’t taste that bad. I just need to try again.

Sigh. I want to escape and run away again. I long for those summer days. Hah, I long to play Ragnarok Online again. Guh, I miss being a kid. So I’m sitting here with my iTunes on shuffle listening to the game’s soundtrack.

I’ve always wondered how it would be like to live in Midgard. Silly, I know. But just think about it! Casting spells, going on hunts. It would be pretty cool if every area you went through had background music. Life would be pretty interesting. Scratch the fact that you get beaten and killed. But then again, you get to respawn! Just make sure you saved at the nearest Kafra!

Dork mode unleashed. Haha.

I’m thinking of playing Ragnarok again when summer arrives. But who knows if I’ll even have time to play it? I wonder if there will be any classes I could take during that season. Mom’s also asking me about going on an internship. Hmm. Money? Education? I do wonder. There are pros and cons on both sides. And also, I still want to hang out!

So. Many. Choices. Can’t. Comprehend.

*splode*

Anyway, I should try to do something productive. I’d make myself a dango daikazoku but I still can’t find my sculpey around the house. Oh well. Back to square one. Blank. It isn’t that bad.

Time to Transfer

I can’t believe it! I finally did it! After years–yes, years–of searching, I have finally exported my 600+ Diaryland entries! You have no idea how much I wanted to get out of there! I thought I could just move to a different blog so easily, but the truth is, I couldn’t. I knew I wouldn’t be able to feel secure knowing that 8 years of my daily ramblings were left aside for a new home.

That’s right. You heard me. I’ve been blogging on the same blog for 8 years now. It would be about 9 years now since we’ve just entered the year 2010. You can just imagine how primitive blogging was back then. Much more was my teenage stupidity. Even though my writing style was utterly dorky, it poses much of a reference of how much I’ve grown these past few years.

My ticket to freedom relied heavily on the Diaryland exporting script from that Clayrhino website. I do remember that the website ceased to exist a couple of years ago. I thought I lost hope. But for some miracle, it was back. I could have just jumped for joy and screamed. Now I finally have more freedom with the HTML around here. Also, I do love the fact that I can categorize and tag my posts unlike before. So long Diaryland and hello WordPress!

So I woke up at five in the morning today. There is seriously something wrong with my body clock. This won’t help me much when I have to start school the next day. Technically, I am starting school tomorrow. Gosh, I don’t even have a class. LOL. I’m gonna enter campus the next day and fight for that English class (even if it means shooting the incoming students).

Even though I would just loathe to be in that class for the next five weeks of winter session, it’s something that I’ve got to do if I want to transfer. I can’t have myself sitting in junior college for four years. That would be like going through another round of high school. Three is enough!

I’m still unsure of where to transfer after junior college. Not only that, I still have money issues. I’m still uncertain about being eligible for financial aid. ‘Cause here’s the deal: I’ve figured that the poorer you are, the more probable it is for you to attend college. I don’t care what the statistics say! I think they’ve made an error in their ways!

The thing is, I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m poor. “Broke” would be a better term to describe that. I mean, my parents do make more than enough cash since they work extra hours. The problem here is that my mom has a spending problem, which I am very twitchy about. I mean, surely we have debts to pay and bills to clear out. Then again, doesn’t everybody? But once those are cleared out, I’m pretty sure the money earned for that could be used for something like–I don’t know–a word that seems to have been taken out of her vocabulary–savings. |:

But nooo, instead it gets funded into online shopping and the sorts. There was a month last year–I kid you not–that almost every other day, we had a package from FedEx laying at our doorstep. My mom gets into this whole deal of “saving” when she thinks it’s a good idea to purchase something when it’s on sale. Really, really?! Not when you’re buying more of the same thing! That’s like paying for the original price. Maybe even more if you’re not careful. -__-;

I recall that there was time last year when I had college fees due. I reminded her now and then that we needed to have the cash before Thanksgiving since registration for the next sem was around that period. The day draws near and what happens? Our supposed savings for my tuition was invested in a treadmill.

A treadmill?! You’ve got to be kidding me. You know what a cheaper and healthier option is? Walking. The best thing about it is that it doesn’t cost a cent! What was purely genius was that she spent five minutes a day at most on that contraption. Yeah, your calories aren’t going anywhere in five minutes.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my mom, but I’m not gonna go anywhere in life this way. This is why I’m stuck in junior college; I couldn’t afford getting into a university. Two years in junior college, I would supposedly have money for uni by now, but no. I would only hope to be eligible for financial aid. Please, oh please, give me money for college!

I hope to must transfer Fall ’11. Biola is out of the question with my current situation. My dear hopes rest in the UCs. I’m thinking about going to either UC Irvine, UCSD or UCLA. UC Berkeley, if I’m smart enough. Hah, I could only imagine though. My GPA is being dragged down by the likes of Calculus and Physics. Gladly, I was able to raise my GPA last semester after the horrid Physics 1A and Math 191 experience. Calculus in the summer; what was I thinking? Although it’s good to know that I’m ahead.

I’m terrified for this coming spring semester though. I’m going to be taking Math 270 and Physics 1B. This Calculus professor is rumored to be horrible at teaching; the deadly aspect that poisoned me during the summer. If the teacher sucks, I can’t learn. For Physics, I have the same professor as last spring. Great, just great. I guess I’ll be blowing my brains out if I want to maintain my GPA.

Our purpose in life is to go to college to get a job to pay for our college debts. In the end, once all our debts are paid, we can die happy. -Bryan

I swear, when Bryan told me that, I couldn’t help but LOL and believe there’s so much truth in that statement. I feel like after taking all these classes and get a degree, I won’t be good enough and end up working at Target. By that time, a teenage employee might even have a higher position because he’s been in the business longer than me. ROFL. Now that’s sad.

For the remainder of the day, I shall attempt to make myself useful. This does not include being on Facebook for no reason. lol. I’m still feeling lazy about picking up my guitar again. Still feeling uninspired. At the moment, I’m just tuning into some Gabe Bondoc songs; they’ve been on repeat for the past two hours. “Stronger Than” has to be my favorite. (:

Oh snap, I still have to prepare for school. Hah, I haven’t even touched my school bag since fall semester ended. You can totally tell I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

For A Moment

Being the lazy girl that I am, I don’t bother with changing my home page at all. In fact, I wouldn’t even know what to change it to. I’ve had my MacBook for about three years now and the Apple website appears every time I open Safari.

I rarely scan through the Apple website even though I’m an avid fan of Mac. Whenever there would be major updates from the company itself, only then would I be interested. Although it wasn’t that long ago–that being yesterday–when something actually caught my attention.

There was an article on the main page of it’s website that had to do with photography and the iPhone. Obviously, that sparked my interest. One, because photography is just downright brilliant. And two, I have an iPhone.

So I spent my time reading and watching this video about how this professional photographer takes the iPhone to a whole new level. How you can get awesome photos with just that 3.0 megapixel (I think?) device. And I’d have to say, I only resort to using my iPhone whenever I don’t have my own digital camera along.

Speaking of digital camera, I got myself my own cam for Christmas! At least I don’t have to share with my sister anymore. |: (She broke our family’s other camera so we only have one around). It’s not anything too special though. I wanted a DSLR for the heck of it, but I got something close enough. A Nikon P90. (:

These are just two of the shots I took while I was playing with my Nikon. Nothing much, really. These are just some of those in the moment shots when I was lucky to bring my Nikon around.

Autumn

This was right outside my house. Talk about in the moment. Those leaves were bound to fall sooner or later. In fact, the tree is practically leafless right now. Good thing I snapped a photo before they all fell.

Button Crazy

My friend, Bryan, has one of the most epic bags I’ve ever seen. He sew all those buttons onto his bag and made it his own. I’m astounded by the color and simplicity. I mean, buttons, really? So practical yet so beautifully arranged!

Back to that video and article from Apple~ it basically summed itself up with the photographer saying that it’s the moment that counts. It doesn’t matter whether you have an epically awesome DSLR or a camera phone. It’s what you make do with what you have and bring the best out of it. It’s those special moments that truly count.

The fine line between sea and sky

Around September, I drove to this beautiful park in Palos Verdes, which isn’t too far from where I live. I’d like to think of it as my escape from the world. Quite pleasing to play the guitar whilst overlooking the magnificent scenery. To my dismay, I forgot to bring my digital camera along so I asked my friend, Mark, to take pictures with my iPhone. It may not be the best photo taken, but I believe the emotions that are evoked from it make it all worthwhile.

White Christmas

A blanket of white covers the wonderful city of Los Angeles. So maybe I didn’t get that white Christmas; the exceptional chill makes up for that. I look around me and Christmas hasn’t been the same ever since I’ve moved to SoCal. None of them Noche Buenas or opening presents at midnight. It certainly isn’t the same.┬áIt’s almost been three years since I’ve lived here. And I’ve got to say that despite the difficulties and the difference in celebration, the true meaning of Christmas still stands.

They say Thanksgiving was the biggest holiday around here. I can’t say that for myself since we didn’t have Thanksgiving back in the Philippines. I still find that Christmas is the most meaningful to me. Digging deeper to its definition, it means more to me than just the birth of Christ.

I’m so thankful that God has brought me this far in life. For so long, I’ve struggled to be perfect in all aspects. Without knowing, I turned away from Him just to push myself forward. How wrong was I? It was true when they said you wouldn’t have realized how far you’ve drifted until all you can see is water around you. Surely, I’m still afloat. Then again, how long can I keep floating? It’s time to return to shore.

Asian Picture FAIL

2009’s coming to a close and I can look back to see its many ups and downs. Some of which I’d love to block out of my mind, but you can’t have a high without a low. Falling in and falling out of love for the first time. Making friendships that I know are bound to last for a lifetime. The news of a very close friend giving birth. So much has happened in one year. Unbelievable how another one is about to start.

That One Friday

All I can do now is look back and wish for the best. I try hard to be optimistic. It’s a lot easier to be positive for someone else. When it comes to me, pessimism bites me in the butt. Time to change that. There’s a lot more moments that I look forward to. There’s no doubt that I’m scared or terrified. There’s no doubt that it’s easier said than done. It’s about time I really get a move on and do something about it, you know? Despite all the previous hardships and heartaches, I believe I can pass this year off as a stronger person. More memories to look forward to, I can surely say that.

I’ve been blogging on the same blog since I was 11 years old. Maybe it’s time for a change, but never will I forget the utter annoyances I had to endure as an early teen or the endless ramblings of school everyday. Hah, I’m pretty sure that might not be any different as to what I’ll be writing here. Anyway, time to start fresh, right? This has been my white Christmas. In all its purity, the memories and love I’ve received makes it up.

Well, would you look at that? The sun’s finally shining through the blank winter sky. It must be a sign. (:

Buried So Deep

i want to scream into a pillow. either that, or i’d just want to keep running, wishing the path never ended. i thought i threw my feelings away. i thought i was getting over it. turns out, i wasn’t. i just buried it so deep thinking that i wouldn’t be able to dig it up again. the irony is that he was the one who unearthed it for me. funny, though, i’m not going through a huge emotional breakdown. this is just one of those moments where you’d consider headdesking yourself for a certain amount of times…hard. in the end, all you can really say is, “well, that sucks. let’s move on.” that is exactly what i’m trying to do. it’s going to take a pretty long time until this happens.

on to the more positive things in life. Aced my Cultural Anthropology class! that’s one class down and one more to go. i had no idea how bored i’d be when one of my classes just ended. two more weeks until Calculus ends. until then, i’ll be drowning myself integrals and infinite series. there’s still hope for me to pass the class. and also, there’s still hope that i can even ace the class. i never thought i’d see the light!

a very special friend of mine just received one, if not, the best gifts in her life yesterday. she gave birth to a little baby boy! i haven’t seen pictures of him yet, but sooner or later, when she’s available, i’ll be able to. i just had this gut feeling she was going to give birth yesterday; she was MIA on my messenger list.

my friend gave birth, two weeks until Calculus ends and a broken heart to boot. i’m feeling like i’m at the crossroads with nowhere to go. i feel like i’m in a dream just hoping to wake up. what i’d love to do is just see the city lights and have time to think and breathe. i’m not making sense anymore.
i’m picking up a book to read and going to sleep. one of these days, i’ll pick up the pieces and my writings will appear quite sensical; only then you’ll know i’ve moved on.

Nothing But Noise

my writing streak has been growing colder than usual. the gaps tend to be larger than what they had been before. and it’s summer for crying out loud! then again, my summers have changed long before i could remember. there isn’t time to breathe anymore. if there is, i’d be doing so subconsciously, meaning in my sleep.

July has been rolling quickly with ever busy schedules. on the weekdays, i manage to fill my days and nights with mathematics. Calculus has been devouring me inside and out. after the outcome of the second exam, i knew i should have been pushing harder than before. on the weekends, i’ve got the usual at church. i also managed to squeeze time for people i haven’t seen in a while.

Mark brought Evan, Siyaada and me all over Downtown Los Angeles two weeks ago. even though i’ve lived here for two years, i haven’t exactly seen all the landmarks around here. i don’t know how we did so in one day, but we hit Hollywood, three malls and the Griffith Observatory all in Friday. by the time i got home, i was crazy exhausted.

it’s been so long since i’ve seen the city lights. Griffith Park was just icing on the cake. as i saw the view from the top and looked into the distance, everything was just nostalgic. i wish it was quiet though. it would’ve been the perfect place to sit and think, which i haven’t done so in a long while. there isn’t a place to be silent anymore. all i hear is noise.

last Friday, i had my first gig, which i was set up for last minute. thank you very much, Alden. |: i was intensely terrified but i managed to pull it off. my set was Wine Red by The Hush Sound, Reaching by Jason Reeves and my original called Captivated. i was shaking to the core. i didn’t realize that people started getting into it by the time i sang my second song; they clapped to the chorus. awesome yet scary.

i didn’t know how the day was going end up being. one thing was sure though; i made new friends and listened to new music. The Streetlight Kids and These Autumn Nights, i’m digging your style. (:

with Alden, Clark and Stephanie, we had dinner in Mitsuwa and got lost in Palos Verdes all the way until midnight. saw the stars and city lights on the hill. a time of talk and chilling. (: by the time i got home, it was two in the morning. i haven’t been out that late since prom. i yearn for more nights like that.

and now, i bid you adieu. back to the noise, back to the homework and back to reality. i need my escape.

Planetarium

i woke up in the middle of the night and signed onto Facebook. crazy, it may seem. i left my computer on again when i fell asleep a few hours ago. i was reading old messages from people. just as Daryl had mentioned earlier, when you look back at the past, it makes you wonder how you were that kind of person.

my friends are graduating in an estimated twelve hours. i can’t believe time flies so fast. one year ago, i graduated. finally, it’s them going up on that stage. though things look like they’re turning for the better, i can’t help but feel like some of things will begin to fall away. Mark’s going to end up going to the same college as me. while that’s true, Kimberly’s moving to San Diego. things do change but i wish they didn’t have to.

BUMP OF CHICKEN’s プラネタリウム suddenly enters my mind. when it did, all those memories surfaced once again and felt like it became concrete. i wish i could stop time and just relax without a care. events like this make me want to just stay put and relive the days where everything felt free. reality sure is difficult, isn’t it?

one of these days, i’d like to lay under the stars just like when i was only fifteen. just when i thought time should go by faster so that i’d have more freedom, i realized that i was able to spread my wings farther before than now. i don’t know when i’ll be able to do that again. in due time, i guess. but for now, it’s best to hang on to those moments that have passed.

summer just began and school’s starting next week. it may seem that i’m trapped but i’m hoping to have a summer that i won’t regret. maybe, sooner or later, i can gaze at the stars again.