2019

Whoever You May Be

I had just finished season 3 of Stranger Things last night. Cue The Who’s “Baba O’Riley”, and you’ve got me wishing I was living as a teenager in the 80s.

I’m still a romantic. I think I’ve always been. I used settle for text messages and the occasional meme drop through the DMs. But no, that’s not what I truly want.

I crave for phone calls that would go for hours on end. Check up on me and ask me how was your day. Spark my mind with innovative questions such as, “If you were to create a cereal that isn’t on the shelves, what would it be like?” Make me laugh with puns and dad jokes.

Let’s go for long walks on the beach, as cheesy as it is. However, let’s walk through these sandy shores during these summer nights. Without the bustling people around us. Just you and me.

Show up to my door and let’s go on a night drive. Turn up the speakers in the car, and let’s put these songs on shuffle. Can you guess the song that’s playing, mister?

I want to wake up next to you and get breakfast at a local diner, messed up hair and all. You’ll get pancakes and I’ll get waffles. We’ll split our stacks and trade so we can get the best of both worlds.

Sometimes life would get in the way, and you’d have to work late. We were supposed to go on a date. You call me to say you’re sorry and that you’d make it up to me by asking me to come over the next day to cook me some baked salmon.

I’m on my fourth set, and you’re spotting me. I doubt that I can hit the last two reps. As I struggle, you continue to cheer me on. I nail my set, and you tell me that you barely even touched the barbell.

You’ve got a midterm you’re studying for. I visit you for a few minutes to drop off a boba and wish you good luck in a little note to help you focus.

Take my hand and let’s dance under the moonlight. We could get a pair of AirPods, however silly those things are. You take the left bud and I’ll take the right. We’ll dance to our favorite slow RnB and acoustic jams all night.

Teach me a song you just came up with. Sing and play guitar as I harmonize with that voice of yours. Freestyle a verse or two and we’ll laugh at some of the ridiculous lyrics we come up with.

You’ve fallen asleep, so I kiss you goodnight. Tuck a pillow under your head so your neck wouldn’t stiffen up the next morning. I see that sweet smile on your face before I turn off the lights.

Some of these moments, if not most of them, have happened in my life. And in one way or another, they just stopped. And I wish they wouldn’t have. Perhaps he lost interest or wasn’t that into me. He finds a flaw, backs away, and picks up another option in the sea of fish that is online dating.

I want to spoil the heck out of you. Be your ride or die.

Whoever you may be. I wish you’d take a chance and have me.

I’m tired of this dating game bullshit.

We sift through these individuals one date at a time, hoping to find someone we’re meant to be with. But honestly, if we don’t take the other person seriously, or even invest deeper than just these casual interactions, what makes us think they’d do the same for us?

At the end of the day, I just want to love and be loved.

Do You Like Elephants?

It was a random question that I had asked my ex when we first started dating. It was one of those nights eight years ago, and it just popped into my head while we had another one of those late night conversations in his car. Funny enough, I actually forgot that I had asked him that question. About more than five years later from that day, as he was breaking up with me, and we were both trying to get closure, he brings up that same question.

“Do you like elephants?” In that moment, I responded the only way I could respond. “What?”

And really, that was the only way I could respond. Not only because it came out of the blue, but it didn’t even occur to me that the question originated from me; he was trying to bring back how I used to converse or spark a conversation.

That girl whose mind channeled imagination and quirky thoughts on a daily was gone. And I didn’t even know that she disappeared.

Being in my past relationship for more than half a decade molded my way of thinking today. When I look back, I was definitely more of a scatterbrain enamored with childish and creative thoughts. Having been with my ex challenged me to see the world in a more logical and structured sense, which I’ve become truly thankful for. Without him, I probably would still be daydreaming of the what ifs and banking on various ideas to translate into reality.

However, there’s a difference between clutching onto the what ifs and just admiring ideas. I feel that my ex almost instilled that if it’s just an idea that can’t possibly happen, then why even entertain the thought? That’s probably why overtime my wonderings came to a halt.

It wasn’t until a few weeks ago when I went out with this guy on a Sunday night, and he said something along the lines of, “Isn’t it crazy how the most interesting people we meet are the ones who’ve gone through so much? Where do draw the line with those we want to protect?”

It’s been a minute since I’ve been challenged with a truly thought-provoking question. While I’ve been a single pringle for a little over three years now and dated a number of guys since then, I feel that it’s only been the last two that I’ve talked to who’ve sparked parts of me that have been lost. And here I am, trying to reclaim my missing pieces.

You could say that’s why I’m writing again. Maybe I’ll awaken these dormant thoughts. Just maybe.