Musings of a Lost Voice

It’s day three, and I haven’t been able to hear myself speak since. Just a whispering silence like a passing breeze is all what’s left of me now. Being silenced has its perks though, you know? It’s gotten me back to my roots. It’s allowed me to remember how I used to be. Before I had the courage to speak. Before I had the strength to sing. I didn’t always carry a tune. I wasn’t always capable of streaming and being this lively person in front of the camera. In fact, it was only through writing where I was able to speak my mind. It was through pen and paper where people could discover who I was on a personal level and see these hidden facets of me.

I remembered her this late evening. The girl who stammered while putting her thoughts together just to spew them out through her mouth in chaotic fashion. Her mind was filled with these whirlwind of thoughts like an unkept file cabinet. Every night, she made it a goal to lay out her mind in the digital space, keeping a log of daily moments. Most people have trashed their diary entries from decades past, whether they be scribbled in Xanga, LiveJournal, Blogspot, what have you. But not her. Since she was eleven years young, she’s kept each page. Looking back at her past self, she cringes at her word choices and her immature dialogue. However, it was a part of her she refused to erase even up to this day. It’s reminded her of how far she’s come. How far this journey has taken her.

As the years passed, the entries became shorter, the frequency became lesser, and the tone of her writings had changed. As she approached her late teens and early adulthood, she mostly wrote when she was sad and struggling, which was the rarest of occasions, fortunately. She was too busy living her life and being happy, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing; it’s just that since she was swept up in life’s euphoria, it almost seemed that it never happened since there wasn’t a written memory of it in place. That’s not true; she was just living in the moment. And that what she continues to do.

It wasn’t until I lost my voice that I realized how important to me it has become. Since I don’t even speak for half the week, maintaining that work persona, it’s almost as if I’ve lost a part of me once again. Since this has happened, life sure loves to throw in these little curveballs to see if I can swing it out of the park.

Twitch Affiliates were granted subscribe buttons a little over a week ago. And with my life’s “wonderful” timing, I haven’t been able to stream as much as I’d like to. And so, I’ve felt guilty for not delivering as much as I could. First off, I have been surprised and overwhelmed that people would even subscribe to me in the first place. I’m just a girl who just loves to play games, sing, and have a good time with good company. What else can I offer?

I recently just got invited to sing at an open mic by the same person who put me up on the acoustic stage years back. What impeccable timing, eh? It’s been years since I’ve performed in front of a live audience. Still, to this day, I maintain the same stance; put me on stage to talk, I’ll freeze up in nervousness. Put me on stage to sing, and we’re golden.

Let’s see if it’ll happen. Only time will tell when I’ll get my voice back. Until then, I’m back to keeping this file cabinet intact.