2016

Twelve

Gabe Bondoc came out with a brand new EP called “Twelve” today. As the world slips into the mainstream sounds of EDM, I still hold my heart close to acoustic jams. Listening to these songs brings a smile to my face and a tinge of sadness. I would have liked to share these songs with him since both of us enjoyed Gabe Bondoc’s music.

Nowadays, the triggers come and go more often than not. I’m remembering memories I never thought I’d remember. And while those memories are pleasant for the most part, I’m not bitter, but rather sad. Why wouldn’t I be? When I see these pieces of us cascading with smiles and laughter? What saddens me the most is thinking that the most important person to me may never be a part of my life again. That he would choose not to initiate a conversation with me. That he would not bother to be there for me even as a friend. It’s the fear that if the worst would happen to me, would he bother to even be there for me at all?

October is in two months. There’s the possibility of our circle of friends getting together. It’s almost been four months since we’ve been apart. As much as I’d love to see everyone again, especially him for the most part, I don’t think I have the strength to. Then again, as someone else had mentioned, it’s two months away, and how I feel could change in two months.

Perhaps. We’ll see.

“Twelve” keeps on playing. All I could think of is that I miss talking to my best friend.

When Fantasy Becomes Reality

That was the title of one of the earliest website layouts I had. Funny enough, I feel like it places such a significance with how my life is now. I know I used to write and blog a lot. When I would write, it would be to vent or contemplate on whatever I’m currently struggling with. I guess that’s what writing is. Just another outlet for me. For the last five years, I haven’t written that much. And when I did write, it was for that kind of reason. To vent any sort of frustration or sadness I had. And when everything was going great in my life, I hardly would write about it. The thought of penning it down would cross my mind, but I rarely did so. Probably ’cause I wanted to live in the moment. And in those moments, I lived.

I lived a long dream. A wonderful dream that I thought would never end. But now that dream is over. Finally, I thought I had my life figured out. I guess I was wrong. And I’m back to square one. It feels like I’m 19 years old again. Lost. Confused. Anxious. Scared. I honestly have been trying to figure out where to go from here because it feels like I’m learning to breathe again.

It’s almost been three months since that night. It’s been a month since I relapsed. The relapse hurt me harder than it did when it actually happened because he had moved on. Long story short, my best friend, the love of my life left me. It wasn’t all his fault. It was mine too. I could’ve salvaged it. We could’ve saved it. But I’m stupid. But I can’t lean on that now that it’s over. I try not to, but the mind is foolish, of course.

Known each other for seven. Been together for five.

Being with someone for so long when you barely knew how to drive a car, or learned how to integrate Calculus equations with substitution, or did not even know your set career path until you’ve been inspired by them… When that person leaves your life, it changes you. All the color in my life has drained and faded to black and white.

It’s a silly metaphor, don’t you think? But let me put it this way. Imagine that my whole world was in black and white prior to being with him. Now, grayscale isn’t so bad when that’s all I’ve ever experienced. There’s still beauty in that gray world. And I was content, yes. However, the more I spent time with him, I learned so much more about him, myself, and the world around me. I was shown a different color spectrum. There was so much more in life that I never knew. I didn’t know that I could be happier. Living a dream I never thought I could live with someone who was in sync with 90% of my being. And while the spectrum of color had some shades that weren’t completely flattering at times, looking it as a whole, it was still beautiful.

And I’d take it over gray any day.

But now, my heart just keeps beating, and I’m living back in this grayscale world. Since I’ve experienced color, I’m longing for it. I’m no longer content. I haven’t been, since that day. I’m lonely. Still scared to go out. Unsafe. Unsure.

Now I’m the one who needs saving.

Run the Clock

Right now, I’m just passing time. Trying to run the clock because there are things I don’t want to do and things I can’t wait to do. Nowadays, I just want to curl up in bed. Nowadays, I just want to see certain people. Nowadays, I just want to find peace.

I’ve been trying not to overthink. With that, I’ve been yearning for my happy memories. Also, I’ve been anxiously waiting for the weekends.

I wish it was already the weekend so that I can spend time with Yuki. That’ll put me at ease. I wish the weekends were longer.
I just want to be able to workout with my dad Saturday mornings, hang out with Yuki for the rest of the day, go to church with the family Sunday morning, and then workout/hangout with the “Crying Helps” crew after. I want it to just be like this. Or can these days be longer?

It’s been more difficult for me to sleep at night. I guess the stress is getting to me. To think I was already worried about him, but I guess life doesn’t stop throwing obstacles does it? Insert family life problem here. To think I was starting to settle down with my lifestyle, this new thing will eventually change my dynamic in a couple of months. It’s like my heart’s breaking again.

Each night I close my eyes, I wish that I could turn back time and wake up in the past. Or maybe a happier and more stable future. That hasn’t happened yet.

Here’s To New Adventures

None of this dumb “New year, new me” nonsense. I don’t have any new year’s resolutions. I feel like even if I write a list, like most people, I wouldn’t be able to do it anyway. Unless I have an actual game plan, then I know I can put it into action.

So instead of hitting a set of goals in a mental checklist, I figured I’d take it one step at a time. Now that I’ve been slowly settling into my living and work situation (it’s been like half a year lol), I feel like it’s time that I get back to doing things I’ve put on hold for the longest time. I’ve been conditioning my mind to not be so negative about the things I do. To not expect results so quickly. Little by little.

I purchased a GoPro on a whim. It’s always been on the back of my mind, but what finally gave me the push to purchase it was knowing that Mario was going to be back from New York for only a week. Our whole crew hadn’t seen him in a year since his wedding, and we only had one day to hang out. Knowing that, it just made sense to capture the few moments that we all share. And since it’s holiday season, it made even more sense to document the memories of friends that I don’t see as often anymore (Bryan pls).

As hard as it hit my bank account, among all the other items I spent during the holidays, the GoPro has so far been a wonderful investment. I hope to continue creating and capturing memories with it as the days go by.

Aside from capturing memories, I’m getting back into the rhythm of working out again. While I told myself I wanted to do a 5 mile race this year, I probably shouldn’t jump the gun. 5 miles isn’t really a lot, but for someone who sits around and codes all day, it’s starting to seem daunting. My first step really is to get fit. And while that seems vague, I just want to be able to work out and not feel like crap. Or run a mile in without feeling winded.

Lastly, I’m gonna try to get back to blogging again. Now that I recall all those reflections I had to write in elementary in high school, I feel like it subconsciously straightened out my thoughts since I put them to paper. This whole learning to adult 9 to 5 shindig is taking away my self-discovery. It’s time to get back on that track of self-improvement. Slowly, but surely.