2011

The Crossroads

“Do you get this?”

That was the very first thing you said to me. It’s been a little over two years since I’ve met you, and here we are now at a crossroads. To this day, I am still surprised and yet thankful for having you in my life.

Despite our petty misunderstandings, I’ve managed to see how wonderful of a person you truly are. You’re not perfect, and neither am I. We both stepped into this relationship like it was untouched territory. I’ve never been in a relationship, and you’ve probably never been in something this serious. I’ve tried not to set my hopes too high so that I wouldn’t get hurt again. I’ve attempted to fix my heart at a certain distance so I could handle any difficulties that would come my way.

It’s funny. Maybe it sounds a little bit masochistic, but I got used to getting hurt or being rejected. I thought that even if I felt so strongly about you, you we’re bound to walk away at some point. After all, I’ve been on the losing end this whole time, haven’t I? One way or another, I knew I was going to get hurt. It’s a lot easier for me to deal with the pain that seemed to be inevitable. I thought I put up a good enough buffer around my heart so I wouldn’t be as vulnerable as I used to be.

But things changed. You changed. Or at least it seemed like you did.

I liked you for your mind. How everything seemed so practical and realistic. I admired how spontaneous and geeky you were and still are. Your subtle courteous and adventurous ways. Even though you weren’t open, very lazy and didn’t take initiative, I managed to accept that. I expected you to remain the same.

And here I am seeing a different side of you. You’ve called me up randomly. You’ve greeted me with good morning texts. You’ve allowed me to visit you in LA where I got to meet your roommates. Slowly, you’ve let me be a part of your life.

That one Tuesday night, I honestly thought you were going to walk away from me. I was mad. Furious. I unleashed a side of me that hadn’t come out for years. Even though you indirectly hurt me, I knew I couldn’t stay mad at you. I wouldn’t have blamed you if you walked away. But you didn’t. I still find it hard to comprehend that you stayed. That even if you’ve seen me at my worst, you’ve stuck by my side.

Here we are. Summer has reached its end. We’ve spent most of its days together–especially these past two weeks. That weekend with you in LA to watch the Final Fantasy concert. The next two nights, you took me to see the city lights because you knew how much I liked it. We laughed and we danced in the moonlight–awkwardly. Haha. Lastly, you did something I never would have expected you to do.

You: When are you leaving for Irvine?
Me: Thursday…… Come with me.
You: What?
Me: Come with me to Irvine.
You: Okay.

I ended up leaving for Irvine Friday instead. Even though my plans changed, you still drove down to spend these last two days with me before our classes would begin. And it was wonderful.

We’re both about to start a new chapter in our lives. If anything happens between us, we pinky promised. Yes, we did. We will still see those Christmas lights this coming December.

I walked you out of my door this afternoon. One last hug. One last time before I could see your face in person again. It’ll be weeks. Probably even months. Even so, I’m glad I’m with you. I’m happy and very grateful for everything I’ve experienced being with you.

I love you and I will see you someday soon, Yuki.

Weighing August

As Kimberly used to say, “Now’s not the time to be stupid.” August has officially hit. Though I am pleased to have my own apartment now, I feel that everything’s going to get harder from now on. I really have to step my game up. It sucks that I don’t have my own car, so it’s rough getting around.

I’m lagging behind. Even if I’m excited to be going to university this coming fall, there’s a lot of catching up for me to do in terms of school. I’ve weighed the pros and cons to not having to move in right away this month.

I figured that since I’m still hanging around the South Bay, I’ll still be catching up with friends. There will be summer nights reserved for shaved ice. Which reminds me, I probably should contact everyone else since Clark’s looking forward to a night at Guppy’s. I’ll still be able to help out in church this month as a youth worker. Most of my kids moved to the high school already, but there’s still some raising up to do. I’ll still have the opportunity to hang out with my bros from the Kool Kidz Klub. That is, if time is opportune and Vito would stop bashing me. Lol. And, of course, I’m mostly looking forward to spending time with Yuki. Even if it’s just one night during the week and sometimes a few moments spent with him before he drives back to LA, those times are precious to me.

The little things that I am thankful for in regards to being home is that I don’t have to worry about food and money. Not that I spend a lot during the week. In fact, I try not to spend at all. When I’m home, there’s always food in the fridge. I wouldn’t know what I would do in Irvine if I was broke and starving. Yeah, I don’t think I’d make it to fall quarter. Lol.

Then again, if I was living in Irvine right now, I’d be able to settle in and get used to things sooner. Somehow, I’d get myself a job and contemplate on working and studying at the same time. Yeah, I need to get a hold on being independent.

If I can’t step my game up over there, I’ll have to make do with my situation now. I’m off to sleep. Damian’s going to Irvine tomorrow, and I’m hitching a ride. Time to take initiative and ask about financial aid, inquire about my major, explore the community and maybe even sign up for the gym. Whoa, sounds like a lot of responsibility.

Challenge accepted.

Natsukage

The best part of my night was just having him lay his head on my lap with his eyes closed. As I ran my fingers through his hair, I could see him resting peacefully in my arms. At that moment, I still couldn’t believe it. That he was here with me. That he was smiling back at me. That he was mine.

We’ve made it this far, and I know it’s only going to get tougher. Five months, huh? I think that’s pretty crazy considering our circumstances. There’s college and then there’s distance. As cheesy as it may sound, a Tumblr quote defines my position quite well.

Distance is just a space in between. It’s only as far apart as our hearts will ever be.

It’s funny. You’d think I’d be bored with him by now. Surprisingly, no. I’ve gotten used to the fact that Yuki is just Yuki. He can be lazy, but he knows where his priorities are. He’s smart but has his derpy moments. He can be philosophical, deep and very realistic. If not, he can troll you and cut you off instantly with a “cool story bro” or a “k bye”. And yes, oddly, I’ve liked him more. He’s become more spontaneous and nicer. What the french bread?! Seriously. It’s not a bad thing. It’s definitely not. I just didn’t expect him to turn out this way. I didn’t think I’d see this side of him. And I’m more than glad. I’m very blessed to have him in my life.

Summer, I didn’t expect you to be like this. I thought you’d tear us apart. But no. You’ve drawn me closer to him. This season has made me stronger and allowed me to accept change. Even though things are rough, I won’t forget what brought me here in the first place.

I can still hear him through this summer breeze.

Slightly Giddy

Allow me to feel a little giddy for once, alright? I’ve been attempting to man up my feelings in regards to my relationship. Why? It’s risky. Unbelievably risky to let my guard down. I don’t know when I’m going to have myself be that vulnerable again. Like way back when. If there’s one thing I learned these past four or so months, it’s to be more independent. That I don’t necessarily need a man in my life to be happy. That’s right. I don’t need him.

But I want him. Ugh, it almost makes me cringe when I think about how weak at the knees I can get. Weak. Weak. Gross.

I have my fears and insecurities. I’ve conditioned myself in many ways, hoping that my heart wouldn’t dare come close to how badly it got broken before. In fact, sometimes I feel like I’ve hit this point where I’m just floating by. Surely, I’ve been struggling with the distance between us lately. However, this whole transition starting to feel a little more comfortable. Almost to the point that texting him everyday feels normal. That has both its good and bad sides, doesn’t it?

But hey, I know for sure that the thrill doesn’t last forever. That whole thing is just an illusion. Will I end what I have because the spark is rarely there? Not even. Lol. Some girls are dumb to do that. Just saying.

I don’t know. Lately, I haven’t been making that much sense. All I know is I’m content with where I’m at with him. That I do care about him a lot. And yes, he still manages to surprise me.

I hadn’t gone out all day. My agenda consisted of eating and sleeping. Slip the computer and reading in between that and you’ve got yourself a sloth-like day. This day was about to end. 10pm was nearing, and I was on a usual Tumblr spree. It’s a Monday night. Yuki had aikido and a night out with his friends on the list. I knew full well what he was up to tonight. Although what I didn’t expect was a phone call.

My phone rang. His name lit up on the screen. He was calling me. Yuki was calling me! What the? Out of the ordinary! I picked up with surprise and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey? What’s up?
Yuki: Nothing much.
Me: I thought you were gonna hang out with your friends.
Yuki: Yeah, I’m just waiting for them. They’re gonna kidnap me. I just wanted to call you.

The call didn’t last long since his friends arrived two minutes later to pick him up kidnap him. 😛 So what if the conversation was short lived? It was the best two minutes of my day. (:

Yeah, yeah, I’m a sap. Ugh, get over it.

Chivalry is Dead

At least that’s how the saying goes. Gasp, you say? After I’ve spent a childhood of Disney movies hoping that “someday my prince will come”, this phrase has been truly wearing me out. Am I supposed to believe that some guy will just take me away and pamper me for the rest of my life? I think not.

You can’t always expect a guy to do everything for you. I’m tired of hearing a lot of girls complain that their man is not doing enough for them. He texted you two minutes too late. He didn’t pay for your dinner. He didn’t call you last night to tell you goodnight. You expect men to do all these crazy things. In the end, if they don’t fulfill them, you rage like a maniac and start venting your frustrations on them, allowing them to think that it’s all their fault that they didn’t meet your expectations.

Tough luck, honey. One phrase one of my guy friends told me sums this idea up.

Girls are crazy. Boys are stupid.

And it is the truth. We complain how guys can’t take a hint. How they can’t tell what we what or if we even like them. Believe me, I’ve been there and dropped hints before, all day urrday. Finally, that phrase eventually got embedded into my skull. Woman, if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. Don’t sit around and complain that they’re not doing anything. Chances are, they haven’t got a clue about what you’re thinking about or expecting from them. Let them know, for crying out loud, instead of bashing them for “oh-so-good-reasons”.

Have you ever talked to guys and made them understand how you’re feeling instead of letting them guess what’s on your mind? Also, you’ve got to take into account their feelings as well. You’re no princess; stop acting like one.

If he didn’t text you quick enough, don’t come to some outrageous conclusion that he’s cheating on you. Suddenly, you go psycho and blast his phone with fifty text messages and voicemails. What is wrong with you?! I know our imaginations can run wild, but he isn’t sitting there staring at his phone, waiting for you to text him. Trust me; I’ve played that scene in my head before too. Guess what? It’s doesn’t really happen. The man has a life too, you know.

Are you kidding me? It’s a good thing he asked you out on a date in the first place. That’s the most that you should expect and take into account. If a guy offers to buy you dinner, then let him. Otherwise, don’t even think twice about letting him dig through the crevices of his pockets just to pay for your share. Money doesn’t grow on trees and is obviously hard to come by.

Finally, he doesn’t always have to take initiative. How about you call him or start the conversation for once. I know what you’re thinking. “If he really likes me, he wouldn’t give up.” Crap. Crappity crap. Le total crap. If you keep trying to make him chase you, sooner or later, he’s bound to give up. Be fair for once and treat him well. Be conscious of his feelings and treat him with respect.

It’s not always about you. Stop being so darn selfish.

Chivalry, ey? I think it’s time that we stopped raising the bar, expecting so much out of men, and appreciate what they can give us. We can do our part too. Maybe if we thought about it this way, we wouldn’t think chivalry was dead after all.

Like any other girl, I would love to be wooed. I wish to be swept off my feet. I want the guy I like to call me in the middle of the night and say “I’m outside your house right now. I thought I’d drop by and see you even just for a little while.” I want him to take me away to watch the city lights as we both dance in the moonlight. I want to cook with him (like a real man should be able to LOL) and wash the dishes with him, while we flick water at each other. Just some of the few things at the top of my head. And it is wishful thinking. Wishful, it is. But I don’t expect the guy to do all these for me. It’s wonderful if he does.

Just appreciate what he has to offer. After all, everything’s better if it’s unexpected.

Social Networking Death

I hate how Facebook poisons the mind. Nowadays, whenever I log onto that website, it’s almost unbearable to go through people’s pages. Surely, it’s interesting to see what people are up to. But also, I wish I didn’t have to see them talk too much of themselves. Do they really have to post every single detail of their lives? I am eating a sandwich. I am sitting on a chair. Check-ins, I understand. If you’re posting something every five minutes or so, I think you’ve got a problem. Would you like me to stalk you? Save that for Twitter; even then, I wouldn’t be following you.

I despise the fact how some people’s relationship statuses change almost everyday. Yes, you’re single. Yeah, you’re in a relationship. You say “I love you” to him or her. Oh, what’s that? Did you guys just break up… again? As cliche as it may be, it gets on my nerves how people just loosely use those three words. Fancy photos of you making out, ey? No, thanks. I don’t need you greasing up my News Feed.

I loathe that society deems the idea that nothing is official unless it’s Facebook official. I know I’m just reiterating myself, but it’s true. Why must people question our happiness or exclusivity just because it hasn’t made the Top News? If you’re happy, you don’t need to rely on others’ opinions to confirm that you are. You shouldn’t question why you’re feeling that way. If you are, then you are. Awesome sauce, yo.

Social Networks have become another source of paranoia. You probably know what I’m talking about. You know you’ve overanalyzed things in the real world. The internet is no different, and it’s a severe disease.

As much as technology has aided us this past decade, I believe it’s taken over our means to communicate. It’s great that we can keep in touch with our compadres, but it takes away the utmost joy in seeing someone after a long time. It tests our patience with the real world and our dedication to one another. I remember back in the day when I knew I had to get picked up at a certain spot after school, I’d drop everything I did at that moment just to meet my dad; the lack of cellphones made this ideal. I remember when we didn’t have caller ID and my heart would race when I attempted to call a certain boy’s house, hoping that scene I played through my head would happen with him.

Face it. Everyone’s all up on everybody’s business.And this is why conversations have become no more than a “Cool Story, Bro.” Let’s all have a decent conversation and actually get to know each other.

What’s going on with you lately? Oh, just check my profile and that’s w’sup–end of conversation. And life as we know it. orz.

Transition

After two or three drafts left unfinished, I think I can finally write a complete post. It’s 2AM and I’m still awake. My thoughts are finally brewing. I’ve been a complete wreck when it came to writing, but hopefully this summer, everything will change. I’ll have that time to find myself again. To build bridges and grow as a person.

School’s finally over. Community College is actually over. To me, it still feels surreal. The three years that I spent in that place which I thought was horrible and dull for the first year and a half didn’t turn out that bad. I vaguely remember the orientation I attended where the speaker said, “You’ll meet people who’ll become you’re friends for life.” And I’m thinking, “You’ve got to be kidding, right?” I was downright miserable and alone. I didn’t see that happening. But it changed. Everything surely did change.

My friends from the class of 2009 graduated and some of them joined me. Later in the game, the unexpected happened. Friends? Who would’ve thought? I surely didn’t.

I began going to MESA thanks to a certain silly japanese guy. That place became my second home. Or my third? Somewhere along those lines. My last year in Elco, I happened to grow close to people that were both intellectual and amazing. Not only was I able to relate with these guys on a nerdy level, but I could hang out and laugh with them as well. I’m blessed to have met guys like Vito, Mario, James, Chris and Yuki. Yep, all guys. What can I say? That’s how it goes when you’re majoring in the sciences.

Kool Kidz Klub

Sigh. I’m glad and grateful that I’m finally out. I honestly couldn’t have survived my last year without these guys. Being surrounded by these fellas motivated me to try even harder and made me believe that I can succeed. I didn’t think I could get a B in both Physics 1B and 1C–especially 1C–but I did. I didn’t think I’d end up liking Physics, but I did. Thank you. I  miss our Physics Study Seshs and Meatball Sundays. Yeah, Sunday nights are definitely gonna be different from now on.

And then, there’s you. There’s you, Yuki. I feel like I’m going through the first week when we started going out. I’m still getting used to it. I remember how insecure I was for the first two weeks or so. One, I still couldn’t believe that you asked me out. And two, I thought everything was gonna go downhill because I was so conscious about how you thought. I didn’t expect you to change. I hoped that you’d change your mind, but I wasn’t keeping my hopes up. But somehow, you did.

Why? Why couldn’t you just come out and say it? Why did you have to let me make the decision? I was sitting there, waiting for you to break my heart. Spring was over. We were going to be over. I thought you were going to do so. But no. You… changed.

I know that you don’t feel the same way I do. Heck, I know I care more about you than you care about me. But there’s something about you, really. Not just your physique, but your personality. You helped straighten me out when I’m rattled. Poke fun at me and still occasionally call me a loser. ]: But when it counts the most, yeah? You’re there.

Why didn’t you leave, Yuki? I was keeping you from doing something you had to do. When I was devastated about my Physics exam, you were there to hug me. You told me not to worry. Sigh, when it counts the most, huh?

I’m getting used to it. It’s hard right now. It’s probably a phase. I’ll look at it as that. Here’s to the transition! I miss you, mister. I’ll see you soon, Bruin.

The Other View

Who would’ve thought that Chris Johnson could have given me insight to my own life? Yes, I refer to him by his full name. I don’t know. Perhaps it just sounds cooler that way.

I walked into MESA this morning and still had about half an hour to kill before my voice class. Chris was at the back struggling with Physics 1C. I, on the other hand, attempted the 7B homework that’s due later tonight. It wasn’t going so well. I barely got anywhere when I was there. Physics aside, though, I always find myself having strange yet interesting conversations with this dude. Honestly, who would’ve thought? ‘Cause Chris mostly has his unenthused expression on his face. Lol.

So Chris brings up a question in his very chill tone. “How are you and the Yuke-ster doing? Yuke-ster. Hmm, I just made that off the top of my head.” Insert headdesk here? Anyway, when he brought that up, the conversation took an interesting turn on long distance relationships and ambitions. Looking at a Chris’ perspective, I honestly hoped that Yuki thinks the same way as he does.

Let me stretch this out for a second. Spring is ending and we’re all going to part ways. Seems like Chris and his girl are on the same page as Yuki and me. What do we do when school is over? I’m surprised to find out that Chris is willing to make an effort to still keep seeing his girl after he transfers. But it’s the girl that wants to break it off eventually thinking that it’s going to be too painful if he’s away.

Where does that leave Yuki and me? I know where I stand. At this moment, I only wish that Yuki has Chris’ perspective. Haha. Both of them have such chill and laid back personalities. I wonder, really. Eventually.

The Missing Piece

Might as well plaster my face on a milk carton because this girl doesn’t know where she’s been for the last two years. I’ve said this over and over again, but it didn’t seem to hit me as hard until now. Just a few minutes ago, I looked at my archives. 2009 and 2010 was filled with a measly 19 posts each. What is that? Seriously, what is that?!

I always used to come and write as a way to vent and express myself. It used to be my main medium. Heck, I remembered when I was 9 years old and practically lived on writing. I envisioned myself as becoming a journalist or a writer someday. If my 9 year old self would see me now, she would definitely kick me in the behind. Hard.

Honestly, I felt like I’ve lost part of myself. I do, however, have a lot to thank God for. For the past two years, I’ve gone through ups and downs. I’ve made many discoveries and had many adventures. I’ve met new friends and pushed myself to the limit, unknowingly bringing me to heights I never thought I could reach. And though I stand high upon this hill, I can’t help but feel I’ve left part of me behind. And because of that, I know my feet aren’t going to keep steady on this ground I stand on.

Where’s the girl with the passion and love for writing? Where’s the girl who strived on getting a web design done even if it meant staying up until the sun breaks? I don’t want to bring myself to say this. She’s… gone? No. Maybe she just lost her way. I can’t forget about her. I just can’t.

It’s been breaking my heart slowly these past few weeks. With school on hold for another week or so, I can’t believe it took me this long to even write again. I’ve been telling myself countless times to get a move on it, but I just couldn’t. Now that I did, I feel broken and numb. I feel like I’m starting from scratch like a baby learning how to walk.

Everything’s beginning to get clearer now. For so long, whenever things would arise, I’d just let them bottle up inside. Somehow, I’d drown these thoughts. I didn’t have time to put them on paper. Almost, it felt like I created a void within me. Almost like a black hole. Sounds stupid, I know. But now that I think about it, it seems like it is.

I noticed I haven’t been as compassionate as I should have been towards others. I could easily put on a fake smile when I know that I would be troubling inside. What was wrong with me? I need to get myself fixed. This. This is where it starts.

I know for sure that things are about to become busy again. Busyness is just going to start flooding my life with school work. I can’t let this stop me from writing. I can’t let the present take away a part of me. I need to be whole again. Please, God. Take that writer from the past and bring her to the present. Please make me whole again.