Lunaraine

All I can hear is you and me and how we're a part of this city

Whoever You May Be

I had just finished season 3 of Stranger Things last night. Cue The Who’s “Baba O’Riley”, and you’ve got me wishing I was living as a teenager in the 80s.

I’m still a romantic. I think I’ve always been. I used settle for text messages and the occasional meme drop through the DMs. But no, that’s not what I truly want.

I crave for phone calls that would go for hours on end. Check up on me and ask me how was your day. Spark my mind with innovative questions such as, “If you were to create a cereal that isn’t on the shelves, what would it be like?” Make me laugh with puns and dad jokes.

Let’s go for long walks on the beach, as cheesy as it is. However, let’s walk through these sandy shores during these summer nights. Without the bustling people around us. Just you and me.

Show up to my door and let’s go on a night drive. Turn up the speakers in the car, and let’s put these songs on shuffle. Can you guess the song that’s playing, mister?

I want to wake up next to you and get breakfast at a local diner, messed up hair and all. You’ll get pancakes and I’ll get waffles. We’ll split our stacks and trade so we can get the best of both worlds.

Sometimes life would get in the way, and you’d have to work late. We were supposed to go on a date. You call me to say you’re sorry and that you’d make it up to me by asking me to come over the next day to cook me some baked salmon.

I’m on my fourth set, and you’re spotting me. I doubt that I can hit the last two reps. As I struggle, you continue to cheer me on. I nail my set, and you tell me that you barely even touched the barbell.

You’ve got a midterm you’re studying for. I visit you for a few minutes to drop off a boba and wish you good luck in a little note to help you focus.

Take my hand and let’s dance under the moonlight. We could get a pair of AirPods, however silly those things are. You take the left bud and I’ll take the right. We’ll dance to our favorite slow RnB and acoustic jams all night.

Teach me a song you just came up with. Sing and play guitar as I harmonize with that voice of yours. Freestyle a verse or two and we’ll laugh at some of the ridiculous lyrics we come up with.

You’ve fallen asleep, so I kiss you goodnight. Tuck a pillow under your head so your neck wouldn’t stiffen up the next morning. I see that sweet smile on your face before I turn off the lights.

Some of these moments, if not most of them, have happened in my life. And in one way or another, they just stopped. And I wish they wouldn’t have. Perhaps he lost interest or wasn’t that into me. He finds a flaw, backs away, and picks up another option in the sea of fish that is online dating.

I want to spoil the heck out of you. Be your ride or die.

Whoever you may be. I wish you’d take a chance and have me.

I’m tired of this dating game bullshit.

We sift through these individuals one date at a time, hoping to find someone we’re meant to be with. But honestly, if we don’t take the other person seriously, or even invest deeper than just these casual interactions, what makes us think they’d do the same for us?

At the end of the day, I just want to love and be loved.

Do You Like Elephants?

It was a random question that I had asked my ex when we first started dating. It was one of those nights eight years ago, and it just popped into my head while we had another one of those late night conversations in his car. Funny enough, I actually forgot that I had asked him that question. About more than five years later from that day, as he was breaking up with me, and we were both trying to get closure, he brings up that same question.

“Do you like elephants?” In that moment, I responded the only way I could respond. “What?”

And really, that was the only way I could respond. Not only because it came out of the blue, but it didn’t even occur to me that the question originated from me; he was trying to bring back how I used to converse or spark a conversation.

That girl whose mind channeled imagination and quirky thoughts on a daily was gone. And I didn’t even know that she disappeared.

Being in my past relationship for more than half a decade molded my way of thinking today. When I look back, I was definitely more of a scatterbrain enamored with childish and creative thoughts. Having been with my ex challenged me to see the world in a more logical and structured sense, which I’ve become truly thankful for. Without him, I probably would still be daydreaming of the what ifs and banking on various ideas to translate into reality.

However, there’s a difference between clutching onto the what ifs and just admiring ideas. I feel that my ex almost instilled that if it’s just an idea that can’t possibly happen, then why even entertain the thought? That’s probably why overtime my wonderings came to a halt.

It wasn’t until a few weeks ago when I went out with this guy on a Sunday night, and he said something along the lines of, “Isn’t it crazy how the most interesting people we meet are the ones who’ve gone through so much? Where do draw the line with those we want to protect?”

It’s been a minute since I’ve been challenged with a truly thought-provoking question. While I’ve been a single pringle for a little over three years now and dated a number of guys since then, I feel that it’s only been the last two that I’ve talked to who’ve sparked parts of me that have been lost. And here I am, trying to reclaim my missing pieces.

You could say that’s why I’m writing again. Maybe I’ll awaken these dormant thoughts. Just maybe.

Nostalgic Getaway

I wish I could have shown you how amazing the stars looked up there. I was only out on the side of the road leaning against the car for a few minutes, but it was enough to capture the blanket of the shimmering night sky in my mind. It reminded me of that one night years ago when I was on the side of the road overlooking my city. It was one of those nights. I vaguely remember that one, but I remember seeing a shooting star. I don’t even remember what I wished for back then.

But tonight was different, especially since the skies weren’t drowned by light pollution. I could see the milky way and bask in the silence of nature. It was just for a few minutes, but it was enough. Enough for me to find peace from the busyness of the city life.

Most of us spent a little over a day up in the mountains, but it was well worth the quick getaway. Celebrating Sylvia’s birthday with the company of good friends in a cozy little cabin up in Big Bear was an awesome experience, especially since it was a relaxing one. Homemade food, board games, adventures at the lake. Amidst all these activities, it helped calm my inner self. I’ve been so swamped lately, and my voice has still been recovering, that most of the time I listened to other people’s stories. It was a relief because I miss just listening and having that passive side of myself be put on drive. Also, walking through those streets gave me nostalgic feelings of winter as I was passing by the same landmarks I used to go to when I had been up there with my other friends for snowboarding.

I wish I had more moments like these, but my schedule for August is already booked for more adventures. Yes, I’m thankful, however I always feel that the weekends aren’t long enough. Even the weekdays don’t give me a chance to breathe. On the bright side, I’m always grateful that I have the opportunity to spend it with great company. I need another dose of the milky way.

Musings of a Lost Voice

It’s day three, and I haven’t been able to hear myself speak since. Just a whispering silence like a passing breeze is all what’s left of me now. Being silenced has its perks though, you know? It’s gotten me back to my roots. It’s allowed me to remember how I used to be. Before I had the courage to speak. Before I had the strength to sing. I didn’t always carry a tune. I wasn’t always capable of streaming and being this lively person in front of the camera. In fact, it was only through writing where I was able to speak my mind. It was through pen and paper where people could discover who I was on a personal level and see these hidden facets of me.

I remembered her this late evening. The girl who stammered while putting her thoughts together just to spew them out through her mouth in chaotic fashion. Her mind was filled with these whirlwind of thoughts like an unkept file cabinet. Every night, she made it a goal to lay out her mind in the digital space, keeping a log of daily moments. Most people have trashed their diary entries from decades past, whether they be scribbled in Xanga, LiveJournal, Blogspot, what have you. But not her. Since she was eleven years young, she’s kept each page. Looking back at her past self, she cringes at her word choices and her immature dialogue. However, it was a part of her she refused to erase even up to this day. It’s reminded her of how far she’s come. How far this journey has taken her.

As the years passed, the entries became shorter, the frequency became lesser, and the tone of her writings had changed. As she approached her late teens and early adulthood, she mostly wrote when she was sad and struggling, which was the rarest of occasions, fortunately. She was too busy living her life and being happy, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing; it’s just that since she was swept up in life’s euphoria, it almost seemed that it never happened since there wasn’t a written memory of it in place. That’s not true; she was just living in the moment. And that what she continues to do.

It wasn’t until I lost my voice that I realized how important to me it has become. Since I don’t even speak for half the week, maintaining that work persona, it’s almost as if I’ve lost a part of me once again. Since this has happened, life sure loves to throw in these little curveballs to see if I can swing it out of the park.

Twitch Affiliates were granted subscribe buttons a little over a week ago. And with my life’s “wonderful” timing, I haven’t been able to stream as much as I’d like to. And so, I’ve felt guilty for not delivering as much as I could. First off, I have been surprised and overwhelmed that people would even subscribe to me in the first place. I’m just a girl who just loves to play games, sing, and have a good time with good company. What else can I offer?

I recently just got invited to sing at an open mic by the same person who put me up on the acoustic stage years back. What impeccable timing, eh? It’s been years since I’ve performed in front of a live audience. Still, to this day, I maintain the same stance; put me on stage to talk, I’ll freeze up in nervousness. Put me on stage to sing, and we’re golden.

Let’s see if it’ll happen. Only time will tell when I’ll get my voice back. Until then, I’m back to keeping this file cabinet intact.

Twelve

Gabe Bondoc came out with a brand new EP called “Twelve” today. As the world slips into the mainstream sounds of EDM, I still hold my heart close to acoustic jams. Listening to these songs brings a smile to my face and a tinge of sadness. I would have liked to share these songs with him since both of us enjoyed Gabe Bondoc’s music.

Nowadays, the triggers come and go more often than not. I’m remembering memories I never thought I’d remember. And while those memories are pleasant for the most part, I’m not bitter, but rather sad. Why wouldn’t I be? When I see these pieces of us cascading with smiles and laughter? What saddens me the most is thinking that the most important person to me may never be a part of my life again. That he would choose not to initiate a conversation with me. That he would not bother to be there for me even as a friend. It’s the fear that if the worst would happen to me, would he bother to even be there for me at all?

October is in two months. There’s the possibility of our circle of friends getting together. It’s almost been four months since we’ve been apart. As much as I’d love to see everyone again, especially him for the most part, I don’t think I have the strength to. Then again, as someone else had mentioned, it’s two months away, and how I feel could change in two months.

Perhaps. We’ll see.

“Twelve” keeps on playing. All I could think of is that I miss talking to my best friend.

When Fantasy Becomes Reality

That was the title of one of the earliest website layouts I had. Funny enough, I feel like it places such a significance with how my life is now. I know I used to write and blog a lot. When I would write, it would be to vent or contemplate on whatever I’m currently struggling with. I guess that’s what writing is. Just another outlet for me. For the last five years, I haven’t written that much. And when I did write, it was for that kind of reason. To vent any sort of frustration or sadness I had. And when everything was going great in my life, I hardly would write about it. The thought of penning it down would cross my mind, but I rarely did so. Probably ’cause I wanted to live in the moment. And in those moments, I lived.

I lived a long dream. A wonderful dream that I thought would never end. But now that dream is over. Finally, I thought I had my life figured out. I guess I was wrong. And I’m back to square one. It feels like I’m 19 years old again. Lost. Confused. Anxious. Scared. I honestly have been trying to figure out where to go from here because it feels like I’m learning to breathe again.

It’s almost been three months since that night. It’s been a month since I relapsed. The relapse hurt me harder than it did when it actually happened because he had moved on. Long story short, my best friend, the love of my life left me. It wasn’t all his fault. It was mine too. I could’ve salvaged it. We could’ve saved it. But I’m stupid. But I can’t lean on that now that it’s over. I try not to, but the mind is foolish, of course.

Known each other for seven. Been together for five.

Being with someone for so long when you barely knew how to drive a car, or learned how to integrate Calculus equations with substitution, or did not even know your set career path until you’ve been inspired by them… When that person leaves your life, it changes you. All the color in my life has drained and faded to black and white.

It’s a silly metaphor, don’t you think? But let me put it this way. Imagine that my whole world was in black and white prior to being with him. Now, grayscale isn’t so bad when that’s all I’ve ever experienced. There’s still beauty in that gray world. And I was content, yes. However, the more I spent time with him, I learned so much more about him, myself, and the world around me. I was shown a different color spectrum. There was so much more in life that I never knew. I didn’t know that I could be happier. Living a dream I never thought I could live with someone who was in sync with 90% of my being. And while the spectrum of color had some shades that weren’t completely flattering at times, looking it as a whole, it was still beautiful.

And I’d take it over gray any day.

But now, my heart just keeps beating, and I’m living back in this grayscale world. Since I’ve experienced color, I’m longing for it. I’m no longer content. I haven’t been, since that day. I’m lonely. Still scared to go out. Unsafe. Unsure.

Now I’m the one who needs saving.

Run the Clock

Right now, I’m just passing time. Trying to run the clock because there are things I don’t want to do and things I can’t wait to do. Nowadays, I just want to curl up in bed. Nowadays, I just want to see certain people. Nowadays, I just want to find peace.

I’ve been trying not to overthink. With that, I’ve been yearning for my happy memories. Also, I’ve been anxiously waiting for the weekends.

I wish it was already the weekend so that I can spend time with Yuki. That’ll put me at ease. I wish the weekends were longer.
I just want to be able to workout with my dad Saturday mornings, hang out with Yuki for the rest of the day, go to church with the family Sunday morning, and then workout/hangout with the “Crying Helps” crew after. I want it to just be like this. Or can these days be longer?

It’s been more difficult for me to sleep at night. I guess the stress is getting to me. To think I was already worried about him, but I guess life doesn’t stop throwing obstacles does it? Insert family life problem here. To think I was starting to settle down with my lifestyle, this new thing will eventually change my dynamic in a couple of months. It’s like my heart’s breaking again.

Each night I close my eyes, I wish that I could turn back time and wake up in the past. Or maybe a happier and more stable future. That hasn’t happened yet.

Here’s To New Adventures

None of this dumb “New year, new me” nonsense. I don’t have any new year’s resolutions. I feel like even if I write a list, like most people, I wouldn’t be able to do it anyway. Unless I have an actual game plan, then I know I can put it into action.

So instead of hitting a set of goals in a mental checklist, I figured I’d take it one step at a time. Now that I’ve been slowly settling into my living and work situation (it’s been like half a year lol), I feel like it’s time that I get back to doing things I’ve put on hold for the longest time. I’ve been conditioning my mind to not be so negative about the things I do. To not expect results so quickly. Little by little.

I purchased a GoPro on a whim. It’s always been on the back of my mind, but what finally gave me the push to purchase it was knowing that Mario was going to be back from New York for only a week. Our whole crew hadn’t seen him in a year since his wedding, and we only had one day to hang out. Knowing that, it just made sense to capture the few moments that we all share. And since it’s holiday season, it made even more sense to document the memories of friends that I don’t see as often anymore (Bryan pls).

As hard as it hit my bank account, among all the other items I spent during the holidays, the GoPro has so far been a wonderful investment. I hope to continue creating and capturing memories with it as the days go by.

Aside from capturing memories, I’m getting back into the rhythm of working out again. While I told myself I wanted to do a 5 mile race this year, I probably shouldn’t jump the gun. 5 miles isn’t really a lot, but for someone who sits around and codes all day, it’s starting to seem daunting. My first step really is to get fit. And while that seems vague, I just want to be able to work out and not feel like crap. Or run a mile in without feeling winded.

Lastly, I’m gonna try to get back to blogging again. Now that I recall all those reflections I had to write in elementary in high school, I feel like it subconsciously straightened out my thoughts since I put them to paper. This whole learning to adult 9 to 5 shindig is taking away my self-discovery. It’s time to get back on that track of self-improvement. Slowly, but surely.

First Time Cosplaying

After all the times I’ve been going to Anime Expo these past few years, I actually cosplayed for the first time. And it was about time that I did! As Marie from Persona 4 Golden.

What’s wonderful is that I was with Leroy and Lizzie, who were already seasoned cosplayers, and Yuki, of course, to accompany me as my Yu. Heh. :3

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Though I only went for a day this year, it was awesome knowing that I got to go to the Fate/Stay Night UBW event and hang out with my friends.

After AX ended, I just feel motivated to seek out a more ambitious cosplay venture. What’s next?!?! I’m still brainstorming~ Just know that I feel like making armor or some giant weapon. Huehuehue.

Closing A Chapter In My Life

Tomorrow will be a day of many lasts.

Tonight is just the beginning as I spend my last real night in the OC.
This place has been my second home. College, friends, career.

Tomorrow will be my last day at my first full-time job. As crazy and stressful the last few months were, I’m sad that I’m leaving the most awesome people I could have as coworkers.

To my last lunch adventure and happy hour with the crew.

And yet, it saddens me more that I’m leaving my real home.

Tomorrow night will be the last night I’ll spend in my Torrance home.
The home I grew up in America.
The only home that has seen me at my most vulnerable and naive self.
The place where I laughed, smiled, without a care in the world.
But also the same place where words were thrown and my heart had hardened.

I was 16 when I stepped foot into that house.
I was 18 when my heart broke in the voicemail I left in my room. It was over.
I was 20 when I had the best kickbacks with a group of awesome friends that are now scattered here and there. 2010 was one of the best years of my life.
I was 22 when I realized they will never change. Anger. Pride. Lies. Skeletons in the closet. I stopped trying to meet their expectations after what happened. I started to think more about myself.

I am now 24.

I don’t know if I’m empty, numb, or can’t remember anything. Maybe I’m just trying to block things out.
There’s a part of me trying to remember all the good memories I spent there, yet some of the mess just clings onto them.

Guess I’ll just have to figure what else I’m willing to keep.

To boxes and bubblewrap.